I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
