Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
