remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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