i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
