Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
