I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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