If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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