my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
