If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
