All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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