Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
