You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
