Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
