it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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