i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
