if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Best friends brother. Beat that.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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