Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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