So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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