When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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