so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
