I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
