He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
