Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
