Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
