I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
