i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
