First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
