Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
