You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
