No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
