Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
