Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
