happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
