I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
