im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
