girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
