You're my little dorito
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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