i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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