so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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