I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
