Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
