I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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