you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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