4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
