Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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