God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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