Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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