Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
