you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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