Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.