I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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