He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
