I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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