hotel room ftw
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
