good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
