I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
