Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
