matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
